My day has been terrible and I don’t even know how to talk about it. It was my first day of when I got my ICT course in college after my social worker agreed to pay for my fees and I renewed my ID card. I thought my life was just starting to be ok.
I was doing some work in the library and I got a call from my solicitor and she said ‘I’ve got bad news for you’ and my brain went straight away to thinking about the day I report to the Home Office, which is coming so soon. Then she said ‘can you hear me? You have been refused by the court.’ She asked me when I report again and she said ‘I have to see you before that date.’ My mind straight away went to think that I will be detained again
I feel very innocent because I don’t have anyone and it’s way too much pressure on me. My brain stopped working and I didn’t feel I could do anything and from that moment till now I don’t understand anything anymore. Every night I wake up 5 times then sleep again. I’m not focusing on my studies. I used to go to cinema sometimes twice a week but this week my mood is gone from everything I used to do and I told some of my friends about my case and they were trying to change my mind but I feel deaf.
When I think about maybe going back to Afghanistan I think it’s time to leave the world. That’s what I’m afraid of because in our religion we believe that God decided from before we were born when a person is going to die, so I think that maybe God wants to send me back to Afghanistan for that reason. I also think about my 4 years of study in this country will just be a waste. I was busy like this for years and it will be for nothing. I’m thinking of life here and friends that I made. Even if Afghanistan is a safe country for me, still I will think that I’m new born of that country because I know I don’t belong there – this is my country here. I don’t know anything about that country anymore and I feel I’m not from there.
When I’m writing something my brain is 90% forcing me to think about Afghanistan and 10% on writing. I think Afghanistan will get more wasted when USA and UK soldiers leave because at the moment Taliban have not that much power to fight them so when they leave then may be Afghanistan will be under the control of Taliban.
The government should help young people like me and others because they know that Afghanistan is not a safe country for young people who have been in UK, but still they send people back and they really don’t understand who has the real problems and who doesn’t. The Home Office is the main place for putting problems in people’s lives and what do people think about the money which Home Office spending on asylum seekers in the UK? That’s money from taxes and UN money. I think detaining people is the world’s biggest business for the Home Office.
Now the choices are not in my hands. If they were I would love to stay here but if they catch me when I report then there are no choices left for me.